When Jesus became real to me…

Artwork by Shanon Roberts

I had been taught about Jesus and celebrated the story of his life, death and resurrection my entire life.

In 2003, I was a young wife and mom of 3. I was struggling internally in many ways, but with the demands in that season, I had little time to process and basically lived on breath prayers.

My sleep schedule was wonky and some nights, I would find my only time of solace was in the living room in the middle of the night, with only the light of the moon, a dim lamp and my Bible.

My tears would release and dimple the delicate pages.

I was desperate for something deeper than just surviving and maintaining an “image” of a good Christian wife/mom.

Deep cries out to deep.

It was in that season that I went from knowing about Jesus to meeting him in such an intimate way. I surrendered all I knew and asked him to “start from scratch” with me and disciple me in how to live and love.

When we draw near, he draws near.

That’s a promise!

I started in the book of John and pretended as if I had never heard The Story before. (For those of us raised in the church, this is sometimes a key)

In my Bible, the words of Jesus were highlighted in red. Because I had asked him to teach me, I paid very close attention to those words. I also used the reference guides for context on some of the things He was saying.

I imagined myself as one of his disciples...at his feet, at the table, in the crowd. I was there with him.

His words became life and light to me.

I would pour out my pain and he would meet me in it. He was so safe. He would sit tenderly with me and let me feel the things I pushed back. He guided and taught me narrow, unpopular, counter-cultural ways. How to take personal responsibility over blaming. How to acknowledge real offense but to truly forgive “them” for having no idea what they were doing. Father, forgive me, too. I would see the way he was misunderstood, and I knew he understood. His love was tangible. I could literally tell him everything and by meeting with him in those dark nights, I would feel a blanket of comfort over my wounds, a deep peace would settle my soul and a new, upgraded perspective would fill me with joy to enter into another day.

No human could meet me in this way.

Jesus changed my life.

I was such a broken girl. Full of religion but lacking relationship.

My mess wasn’t too messy for him. He embraced me in it and won my heart forever. I was so filled up by his love that I wanted everyone else to “come and meet this man” and experience what I had.

That’s the girl that went to see

The Passion of the Christ when it was released in 2004.

All I can say is that I loved Jesus so much at that point, it was like watching my best friend get brutally beaten. I bawled my eyes out in that theatre. I literally cried out loud, “That’s MY Jesus!” I felt the devastation, the horror, the loss.

And I saw, in living color, the passion of his pursuit and the deep love that laid down his life.

The joy that was set before him to endure such agony was for the broken ones, the hopeless stories, the ones who felt lost, ashamed, the ones who had nobody who understood them or their type of pain. It was for the “religious” and every one of us in that theatre... and for every person I would meet from that day forward.

The story came to life for me that day. I needed those images to be burned in my heart - to remind me of how true love looks and behaves.

Each year, around this time, I’m taken back to that season. I’m reminded of how far away I drift from the real story. From intimacy with my First Love. From loving others like he did.

I’m so broken by my own selfishness and wandering into my own ways of trying to be loved, to fix things, to push down rather than press in. How could I ever forget this kind of love that changed my life?

So, I go back to his feet, sit at his table, break the bread and drink the wine...

And I watch this movie.

I am reignited to live in passionate pursuit of Him and in the New Life he paid everything to give me.

What are your traditions this time of year?

Friends, if any of you think that Christianity is a “religion” ... I beg you to dig deeper.

Embracing the story of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus as part of your own is the most intimate, LIVING relationship you will ever have.

You may feel like you’re losing all you’ve ever known...

but in exchange,

you will gain everything you’ve ever needed.

❤️

In His love,

Amy

Isaiah 53:3,5

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.

Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Feature film: The Passion of the Christ

Additional Artwork by Shanon Roberts